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October 16 2019

04:00
3618 76bb
Percent Milkfat
"So what's dark energy?" "Cosmologists and the FDA are both trying very hard to find out."

October 14 2019

04:00
2490 5391
Faculty:Student Ratio
They managed to briefly hit the top of the rankings when they rejected everyone except one applicant, published 5 billion research papers that just said "Hi," and hired one of their graduates for $50 trillion/year (then fired them after 10 microseconds.)

October 11 2019

04:00
4009 ba54 390
Chemistry Nobel
Most chemists thought the lanthanides and actinides could be inserted in the sixth and seventh rows, but no, they're just floating down at the bottom with lots more undiscovered elements all around them.

October 09 2019

04:00
8871 bfef
How Old
We've met! I remember you when you were thiiiis tall! [*holds a hand an inch above their head*]

October 07 2019

04:00
3259 2514 390
Cell Phone Functions
... tazer ... fire extinguisher ... bird feeder ... toilet paper ...

October 04 2019

04:00
3260 00a6
Hours Before Departure
They could afford to cut it close because they all had Global Entry.

October 02 2019

04:00
3261 dab0 390
College Athletes
Their signature play is the three-point combinator, a recursive offense which is guaranteed not to halt and continues accumulating points until the buzzer.

September 30 2019

04:00
3262 d97e 390
Fresh Pears
I want to sell apples but I'm still working on getting the machine to do the cutting and grafting.

August 06 2018

04:00
1350 5ff8
Disaster Movie
Really, they'd be rushing around collecting revisions to go into the next scheduled quarterly public data update, not publishing them immediately, but you have to embellish things a little for Hollywood.

August 03 2018

04:00
2241 0603 390
Complex Numbers
I'm trying to prove that mathematics forms a meta-abelian group, which would finally confirm my suspicions that algebreic geometry and geometric algebra are the same thing.

August 01 2018

04:00
0002 c85c
Lightning Distance
The index of radio refraction does have a lot of variation, which might throw off your calculations, so you can also look at the difference in brightness between the visible flash and more-attenuated UV and x-rays.

July 30 2018

04:00
1659 4ef2
Heat Index
The heat index is calculated via looking up the "effective temperature" in a table of air temperature and humidity values, and then adding a bunch more degrees because it feels WAY hotter than that.

July 27 2018

04:00
1575 b219
Peer Review
Your manuscript "Don't Pay $25 to Access Any of the Articles in this Journal: A Review of Preprint Repositories and Author Willingness to Email PDF Copies for Free" has also been rejected, but nice try.

July 25 2018

04:00
9255 316c 390
Light Hacks
Life hack: Wait for an advanced civilization to be briefly distracted, then sneak in and construct a slightly smaller Dyson sphere inside theirs.

July 23 2018

04:00
7697 9334
Y-Axis
We've also developed the semi-semi-log scale, where the Y-axis for the left half of the graph is a log scale but on the right half it isn't.

July 20 2018

04:00
6928 e982 390
Sports Champions
For a long time, people thought maybe Usain Bolt was the one for running, until the 2090s and the incredible dominance of Derek Legs.
Reposted bypressanybeton pressanybeton

July 18 2018

04:00
9761 115c
Software Development
Update: It turns out the cannon has a motorized base, and can make holes just fine using the barrel itself as a battering ram. But due to design constraints it won't work without a projectile loaded in, so we still need those drills.

July 16 2018

04:00
7589 aaea
Negative Results
P.S. We're going to the beach this weekend, so I'm attaching my preregistration forms for that trip now, before we find out whether it produces any interesting results.

July 13 2018

04:00
6569 9897 390
An Apple for a Dollar
I'd like 0.4608 apples, please.

July 11 2018

04:00
6646 b819 390
Wall Art
At first, I moved from pokémon posters to regular oil paintings, but then these really grumpy and unreasonable detectives from the Louvre showed up and took them all. They wouldn't even give me back my thumbtacks!
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